By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
