he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
