sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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