So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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