My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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