ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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