Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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