I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
