the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
