do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
