Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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