Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
