i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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