i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
