My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize