after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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