i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
