What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
