I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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