I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
