I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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