Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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