Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
