If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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