I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
