I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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