OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
