by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
