So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
