ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
