Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
