Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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