I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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