Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
we're so committed to being not committed
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
