So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
