i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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