Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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