I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
