mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
