I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
