when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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