Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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