sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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