so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
where are my eyebrows?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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