Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
