Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
