Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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