Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
