Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
