forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He shit in the fireplace
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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