Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
