I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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