I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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