He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
