If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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