I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
