Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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