Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
