my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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