um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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