Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
