Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
