My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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