and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
